


Guilt

by SensitiveScorpio



Category: Teen Titans (Animated Series), Teen Titans (Comics), Teen Titans - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Cheating, F/M, Unfaithfulness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-08
Updated: 2020-08-08
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:14:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25791922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SensitiveScorpio/pseuds/SensitiveScorpio
Summary: Richard’s inward struggle with guilt.
Relationships: Dick Grayson & Koriand'r, Dick Grayson/Koriand'r, Robin/Starfire
Kudos: 6





	Guilt

Lying in the dark, he waited for guilt to come. 

He never had to wait very long. Listening to the swish swish of the ceiling fan and the measured breathing of the person in bed beside him he could hear guilt whispering, threatening to take over his consciousness and overwhelm him until he couldn’t breathe.

It always came in waves. It would creep in slowly, like the tide, and he would be able to keep track of it step-by-step as it would rise up and become more intense, but then suddenly he would find himself gasping, struggling for air as the crest of the wave crashed down onto him, and he would flounder and thrash and desperately try to find something, anything, to cling onto so he wouldn’t be dragged down into the depths of his own shame and drown.

Everyone always said Richard Grayson had an overactive imagination.

He would undergo this immense internal struggle all without moving in bed. The only thing that would change would be his breathing, slightly becoming more ragged, but to anyone who didn’t know him, they would just think he was having a nightmare, they wouldn’t know the great psychological torture he had to endure, made himself endure, again and again, and again.

Because that was the problem. He made himself feel this. Richard was familiar with this pain, he knew it was the result of his actions, but as he couldn’t stop, he was forced to continually face it. Deep down he knew he deserved the suffocating grip of guilt he felt. Deep down, he knew he deserved to feel like shit every time he found himself in bed with someone other than Starfire.

He hated himself.

And yet he would wake up with a throbbing head and find himself in this position again, and again, and again. How long had this been going on? Weeks? Months? Surely it hadn’t been years, not yet.

He didn’t know what was wrong with him.

He loved Starfire. Her smile, her laughter, the light that surrounded her, all these reasons, and countless more were why he couldn’t imagine his life without her in it. But, it was also why, come morning, he would be in a strange apartment, with a girl whose name he didn’t know, with an ever-widening hole in the bottom of his chest.

The truth was, Starfire’s light blinded him. 

The truth was, even after promising again and again that he would change, after telling himself he was different from the angry troubled youth he used to be, after trying so hard but falling every time, Richard Grayson just loved the darkness too much.

And no matter how much he cared for Starfire, there was still only room in his heart for one.

So right now, staring up at the ceiling, he waited. He knew if he waited long enough, the constricting feeling in his chest would pass. Sure it would come back, it always came back, and though Richard was far from welcoming it, it was a familiar sensation, and it made him more sure of himself, helped reinforce the self loathing that consumed him.

So finally, when the sun rose and shined through the windows, illuminating the unfamiliar face that lay next to him, and when the last feeling of guilt had left him, for the time being, he slipped out of bed and pulled on his clothes. And as gently as possible, he opened the stranger’s apartment window and jumped out.

And as always, he readied himself to return to the woman he loved, and prepared to look into her innocently trusting eyes, and lie.

**Author's Note:**

> The first sentence in this fic just popped into my head one day and I decided to do something with it. I decided to centre it on Richard because I feel like he’s the member of the titans with the most internal turmoil, and I thought it would be interesting to write a fic where he who usually has such a strong moral compass and sense of right and wrong, commits the biggest act of betrayal one can commit of their partner. I’d like to think Richard would never do that to someone he loved, but we do know how fickle man is.


End file.
